Have you walked in my Converse?

I hate conflict. Any type of conflict. From the lady at the grocery store that can be mean to peers that can say horrible things. I don't even like movies with conflict. And when I come face to face with any sort of antagonistic behavior...I walk away. I turn the other cheek. I...am...a...doormat. But, I will, however, argue any point in a rational manner. To me that is not conflict, but an expression of ideas and sometimes an 'agree to disagree' situation. I don't mind those. They show me how to live peacefully with difference.
But as for conflict....I just can't take it. And I am surrounded by it. At home, at church activities and just everyday life.
That would be reason one that you do not find me among my peers.
Reason two? My grandmother. My dad's mom. That horrible, unhappy, miserable woman with whom I cannot do anything to please her. She has been in poor health for a few years and basically home bound since spring. There is the occasional jaunt to mass out of obligation, but even that stopped around Easter. My father works on weekends and weekdays. My mother is home on weekends. And therefore bound to take care of my grandmother. We could go no where and do nothing. Since we homeschool, the majority of course work was shifted to the weekend, a schedule we have kept. I would occasionally venture out with a friend, but I hated leaving my mom. Nanny is verbally abusive and hateful.
In July, Nanny became so ill that we could no longer care for her. And she moved to nursing home. On doctors orders. She felt like she could stay home and let my mom continue to care for her.
But mom had a heart attack a week later. And every thing changed....and I think for the better in most ways. Nanny will not be coming back to live with us. Mom will not be her primary care giver anymore. But, still the dynamics of the house changed. Dad was trying to see his mom everyday and care for his wife. My boyfriend at the time, Matt, came and spent five weeks with us. Helping out around the house, doing some of the chores mom and dad were unable to catch up on and keeping me sane during all of this. One catch.....no mass. No trying to convert Matt. His mom was raised Catholic...left the church at 18 and never looked back. And she would not tolerate her children being raised Catholic.
It isn't as though I haven't attended a church at all. I went almost everyday in Europe. And we have visited several churches in town. And traveled to St. Clement's, St. Bernadette's and St. Jude's. Just because I haven't been at Our Lady of the Country Club doesn't mean I'm not attending somewhere.
I've been very fortunate that my friends have helped me a great deal. I've noticed that none of them are under the age of 21....so not my peers. But my friends come in all ages and faiths....but it is my PSR teachers that have taken the time to make certain I am alright. Mr. Rusty, Ms. Cochran, Mrs. Schaekel, Mrs. Farmer, Mrs. Diller and Mr. Clay. Without them, I truly would be lost.
So, that is my accountability. I've been here. I volunteer with groups from Berry. I pray daily....sometimes hourly. That is what happens when you struggle with your faith. I spend time with other people at the nursing home...one because they seem lonely and two, because the genuinely seem to enjoy my company and I always leave far more blessed. And I still homeschool....more on weekends. And we are getting away more. We've been taking care of parents, friends and family for 15 years. Now, we are free. And I don't think that is so wrong to enjoy it.
I just have one thing left to say.....where have you been?