Grounded

I'm grounded. I've never been grounded before....ever. I thought I'd look the word up just to make certain I understood the concept. Here is what I found:

grounded-adj. Sensible and down-to-earth; having one's feet on the ground.

I'm fairly certain that the complete opposite is what got me into trouble in the first place. So really, I'm grounded for being ungrounded. I'm sensing an argument coming on that could by my freedom through confusion. Hmmm.....

Mom is looking over my shoulder and says, "Don't even try it, young lady."

The funny thing is, since it is such a new concept, no one really knew how to approach it--the grounding. I mean, what do I do? Not do volunteer work for a few weeks? Not attend lectures at Berry? Not spend as much social time online? Well, maybe that one...but somehow I need the friends more than ever. Take away my music and art supplies? My parents know I would physically die.

My punishment, at first, seems as kooky as everything about us: I no longer stay at home to do my coursework. I go to Berry. I do my work in an extra office where my mom works. I do research in the library. I do phys ed at the Cage center. It's like day school in paradise. Berry is one of my most favorite places on earth.

It seems crazy, but grounding has really become something intangible. It's knowing that I was given a gift....trust...and I didn't cherish it. It's knowing that I will have to suck it up (the feminist in me doesn't want to say 'man up') and look someone in the eyes and apologize. It's searching for a way to right the wrongs. It's looking at myself in a different way and wondering what need I'm trying to fill and what the more positive course would be. Mostly, it's knowing I received an amazing gift....a person, a heart, a deep soul friend, a love....and didn't treat is as one of my most precious treasures. Perhaps being grounded will help me become more grounded after all.

Thanksgiving 2010

I'm going to start by talking about Halloween. It is by far my favorite holiday, but one of the things I love about Halloween is it's the kick-off for the holiday season. From November to January, we have Thanksgiving, two birthdays, Hanukkah, Christmas and New Year. It's like 60 days of festivities...and you gotta love that!
As I get older, the holidays take on new and different meanings. When you're a kid, Thanksgiving is the Macy's parade, hoping you don't miss the Snoopy balloon and looking forward to dessert later. Cousins come over and you have extra playmates for the day. It's like the dress rehearsal for Christmas. It's hearing your family go around the table and talk about abstract things they are thankful for. Watching them get teary-eyed and wondering what that's about. It's running through the dining room past the sideboard and never seeing the place cards, made years before, that have been laid out in memory of people who are no longer there.
This year, just weeks shy of my sixteenth birthday, I find myself moving from the ranks of child to adult...reflecting teary-eyed over the past year and everything for which I'm so very thankful.

• I spent a month in Europe. I had planned on it being a visit of sight-seeing-arriving with list in hand of all the places I wanted to see. I never expected it to be an experience on the scale that it was. I gained new friends, new life experiences, lost my faith in someways and found it anew in others. I got to know my family in ways that I never thought I could. I thought it would be like a trip to Disney-lots of fun, cute photos and great stories. It was a life changing experience.
  
• I got a bunny. If you know me, then you know I love bunnies. I have dozens of stuffed bunnies. I sleep with them, travel with them, snuggle with them. Now I have a real one. A Holland Llop named S'mores.
  
• My paternal grandmother moved from our house. I won't go further. Again...if you know me, you know it's a really, really good thing.
  
• My mom survived a heart attack. This would be the thing about which I'm most thankful. It has given her a new life, a new perspective and to me a new mom.
  
• A kindred spirit...life traveler....soul mate...best friend.
  
• I finally have a home. Two, to be honest. A brick home and a heart home.
• I'm thankful for arms, legs, hands and feet...a whole body.
  
• Friends...new ones, old ones, ones that love you no matter what you do, but especially Cyberfriends. Who knew you could connect on such deep levels with people you have never met?
  
• Facebook. Is that crazy? In real life, I'm a dork. A geek. A nerd. I dress funny, do weird things to my hair. On Facebook...I don't really have a physical identity, except for a tiny picture. What I do have is a voice.
  
• Emily Satterfield. She absolutely rocks my world! In my worst moments: Being heartbroken. Being so lonely I think I would die from it. Being so sad and depressed I wanted to die. Being so afraid for my mom. Emily sends small notes with big impact: Are you okay? I miss you and I love you.
  
• Lastly, my family. The whole kooky bunch. For the ones that teach me valuable lessons and the ones that just serve as a warning. For the ones living and the ones who are only alive in my heart. For the family of my future. And for family that is of no blood relation to me at all-but family of the heart.
  

The down side of reflection is, of course, the acknowledgment of things I might not be so thankful for. I've lost friends, betrayed trust, made stupid, thoughtless decisions, missed opportunities to make a difference, and wonder a great deal if I've put myself beyond redemption.
My only hope is that if I learn the lessons in all of this, I can move even the worst experiences into the 'thankful' column.

So here I stand, on the cusp of being considered an adult. Although, I want fervently to believe adolescence does end at 27. I need more time to mature. But, I find my reflections, at least, to be more mature. I understand the teary-eyed memories. I miss those people on the old place cards. I don't mind pulling out the old family albums and hearing the funny stories about my family. And, for the first time ever, I think I'll be okay if I miss the Snoopy balloon.