Catching Up

I saw a T-shirt the other day that said-I'm Dark and Mysterious and Pissed Off.  And I thought, "Man, what is that kid doing in my shirt?"
I noticed that it's been a year since I've blogged.  A year that, for all intents and purposes, I was fairly silent to the world.  A year that just about broke me.  I'm still not healed.  I don't know if I ever will be completely.
Therapy.  More therapy.  Therapy with a side order of therapy.
I've been rather pensive. Petulant.  Moody.  Irascible.  Impulsive.  Unruly.  Outspoken.  Opinionated.  I get my feelings hurt too easily.  And I'm angry.  My therapist says that its Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I can't help but wonder if it's just being a 17 year old girl.  Or both.
These are my observations for today:
1)  I wish that I weren't so thin skinned.  I wish that I could shrug off hurtful words.  But I can't.  I let them soak through my skin and into my heart, my soul, my head.  I wish that what people thought of me didn't mean so much.  I wish that I didn't crave love so much that I'll settle for less.  
2)  Sometimes, you can't simply shut a door.  You have to slam it hard.  And then brace yourself on the other side to keep it from opening again.  Unfortunately, there is usually someone ON the other side kicking, screaming obscenities, trying to break the door down.  It's hard to hear words flung at you out of anger.  There is always some truth to them that you wish you didn't hear. 
3)  There is a feeling of goofy happiness when a handsome man flirts with you.  For a moment, it's like floating.  You grin stupidly.  You feel giddy.  
4)  There is a feeling of horrible despair when you find out it is only because they're trying to help you feel good about yourself.  It's a nice thought.  Really, it is.  But it's like finding out there is no Santa.  The magic is gone.  And what is it about you that people say they have to 'try' as in "I'm trying to be nice...".  Like caring for me can't just come naturally?  People have to make the effort?
5)  Music saves me.  All the time.  When I have moments--and shit do I have them frequently--music is what keeps me from shriveling away.  From completely dying inside.  From dying.....period.  There is a song that reminds me of my brother--The World I Know.  When I was having a 'moment' today.....and a really good cry.....it came on.  I love how that always happens when I need it most.  It's like getting a hug from Mitch.  Like he's telling me that he's there and everything is going to be fine.  
6)  Prayer saves me, too.  I pray.  You probably wouldn't know it, but I do pray.  All the freaking time.  It's more like, "God, you made me.  And other folks have to deal with me. But I have to deal with me, too.  And I'm not doing a very good job of it, so if you could help me out in any way, I'd really appreciate it."  I pray for other people.  I pray for the world.  I pray about the little things and the big things.  But, mostly I pray for sanity.  And clarity.  Realizing that God doesn't actually GRANT you these things.  He gives you little life lessons in order to learn them.  Most of the time, I'm failing.  
7) Hit me.  Punch me.  Grab me.  Twist my arms.  Shove me.  I would prefer ANY of this to your words that cut me.  
8)  When I'm upset, I want to go get my hair cut or colored or something.  And I want to shop.  Why is that?
9)  It's hard feeling like I'm an old soul in a young, hormonal teenage body.  I wonder how many of us are diagnosed as PTSD, ADD/ADHD, depressed, bipolar....yet all we really are is a soul that is currently in congruent with our bodies.  
10)  I wish I had some sort of humorous anecdote or some more toilet humor blog, but alas, I don't.  I'm a wreck.  But I'm not a nobody.  Regardless of what anyone thinks.

Good night, John Boy.